I wake up everyday wondering what you’ll wear today.
I check your Myspace to see if your default picture and/or mood & status has changed.
I think about you in nearly every situation my day brings me to.
I know I messed up.
I’ve done and said a lot of things I regret and wish I could take back.
I’m not the same person you knew in a lot of ways, but I am familiar in my design.
It’s true that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone – although I always knew you were something special.
A lot of what happened between us was the product of my behavior, which was a byproduct of a lot of bad stuff happening at once, but it’s my fault I made the decisions I did.
I want you back in my life. I would take you as a friend, a fair stranger or – in a perfect world – the sunshine of my life.
I don’t want anybody but you. I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.
I know how much I love you, yet everyday I am surprised that I still feel as strongly as yesterday.
I have never stuck with something this long in my entire life.
I have never wanted to see a failure through as much as I do now.
I would never make the same mistakes again.
Every entry in this blog is written with you in mind, because every time I log in I think about that one time you left me a comment – and then I have to wonder if you still check this from time to time.
If you don’t but are now, please click the “317″ tag. You have a lot of catching up to do.
I will never stop loving you.
I am so, so sorry Brittany. I hope one day I can make it all up to you. In any way. In any shape.
It’s exactly 12:12am and I can’t sleep, so I decided to write back to you! It’s strange how I miss you so much and we’re in the same house. I wish I could just lay by your side and be your bubs pillow more than anything right now and I’m fighting every urge to just let you sleep. I really want to see you :[ but I suppose I'll have to wait a few more hours. I sure hope your mom doesn't mind me using her paper, but I just felt like writing. I have a feeling it's going to be pretty long...I'm sure you won't mind though! I re-read your letter and I swear it just make me fall in love with you a little bit more every time I do! You make my heart beat so fast when ever I'm in your presence or just thinking (aww sad day it didn't tear properly...) about your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your humourousness [sic], and just your crazy self. I’m beyond extatic [sic] that I was able to see you this weekend. It broke my heart when you said you couldn’t come. I would do anyting just to be with you for the tiniest of seconds no matter what the consequences may be. Although it’s nieve [sic] and stupid to be that careless, I just don’t care. Love makes you do the dumbest and most unrealistic of things, but you are worth every bit of it. I loved listening to you talk all night, last night. Just to see you and know that you’re happy and I am a part of that reason you’re so happy is the best gift that you could ever give me. Honest to goodness I absolutely love and appreciate the priceless gifts (letters:]) more than anything else you could possibly ever give me.
……AHH…OMG…YOUR MOM just scared the crap out of me!!! I thought she was going to come downstairs right now and “shank” me (as you would say, of course). Creeeeeepy ISH!!! Anyway…back to me letter and into all the juicy detailed questions you asked me to respond to…Honest to God I never thought I would ever feel this way for another. All I want to do is give you everything I can, in any way imaginable & possible. I would die for you just so you wouldn’t feel one ounce of sorrow in your beautiful heart! I would kill anyone who hurt you…It would be returned in the same way it was given, yet 100,000,000 x worse. It’s so hard to show you how much your love & just YOU mean to me! Not being able to see you has me in complete utter missery [sic] (my bad} lol… All I want is for things to go your way just once without some new obsticle [sic] in our way. Although i think by now we should be able to overcome anything life has to throw us. The challenge is what makes it so much greater and worth wild [sic]. You are the most gorgeous person that I know inside & out. You turn me on like no other can. I was a complete fool for hurting you the way I did. I know I will never completely understand what you were going through, but i do have an idea. I was a complete mess when you have your thing with K. I understand it’s not the same, but it killed me just the same. I know I’ll never know how much she meant to you and I probably shouldn’t ask this but I feel like I need to know just how much she meant to you. Did it feel like there was more there between you two than us at any point? I think about this often and am too afraid to ask… Did you honestly feel more for her at all than you did for me? I think I kind of sorta just restated the same question, but whatevas…
I’m so self conscious when it comes to the mind aspect of our relationship. I feel like I beat my brains out sometimes just trying so hard to be some what on the same level as you. You’re so intelligent & naturally talented & beautiful. I am just drawn to how intellectual you are. You inspire me to be more than just average. I want to explore new things & broaden my thought & views/vocab. just EVERYTHING!!! You are my soul guiding inspiration to do more & be a better person not only for myself but for you and anyone in my life. I know I haven’t completely made the change for the better just yet but I am getting there. It makes me proud of myself to do things on my own like you. In a way i guess you could say I look up to you. You have been through so much & still are yet you manage to put others before yourself. I never realized how much we were alike until that fight we had. I love fighting with you actually. They seem very much like horrible blessings hahaha… I can’t begin to describe this feeling! I wish there was a better way to describe out utopia CHAOTIC UTOPIA!!! It’s stressful, but perfect in my eyes. We learn so much every day! I have never felt so lucky to have met you than I do now. You are it for me. My heart is yours along with my body & soul! I only wish I could give more to you for all that you have done, given & shown me! You are perfect for me…no matter how much we may not match. You are the best thing in my life and I will never left you go EVER again!!!!!!! You mean everything to me and I can’t function properly without my other half. You are everything I am not & hope to be in some way, some day!
WOW…it’s 1:21… I should probably try to get to sleep, that way the morning light will come faster & I can see your angelic face! I hope you have a great day at work today. You can expect an email/IM/QUACK! while you work. I hope you enjoy your letter <3 :] Perhaps you could w/b…ttyl…luv ya…Byeeeeee!!!!
<3 You
B****y B**s
P.S. – I LOVE YOU
(You and I are meant to be forever!)”
I wish midnight notes on yellow legal pads counted as contracts.
…from this blog, so lets take a little walk down memory lane…
“Gimme Sunshine” [Ryan Adams]
I recorded this as what may have been the first homage for Lisen. I had heard the song online that day and completely fallen in love with it, much like how I was feeling towards Lisen at the time, so I smushed the two loves together and learned/recorded the song for her. She said she loved it a lot, but we all know how little that means in retrospect. That last comment sounded much more bitter than I actually am, I just really don’t feel like deleting and thinking of how to rephrase.
“Puzzle/Align” [Kacey Cash]
This was an original song I had made up about 95% on the spot – while the camera was recording. I wish I remembered how to play this. I’m sure if I took the time to sit down at the keys with the recording going I could figure it out – and maybe I will. Anyway, the audio isn’t that great singing wise because it was around 6:45-7am and people were sleeping, so I very well couldn’t be wailing like Bob Marley or the Wailers.
“Cath…” [Death Cab for Cutie]
This song was so amazing for me to hear the first time. I was in my car coming home from work at dawn’s crack in the morning and this song came on my iPod (on shuffle). I had downloaded “Narrow Stairs” with about 8 other albums, and had yet to really give it the attention a DCFC album deserves, but when this song came on everything else took a backseat (haha it’s funny because I told you this is all happening in my car). The lyrics spoke to me, a story of a woman with someone well enough intentioned – but not as right for her as the protagonist singing the song. To me it became a song for the helpless – for people that know what’s right but are morally/ethically bound by “doing the right thing,” i.e. staying out of your ex’s business while he/she makes their own mistakes.I really love how at the end of the song it comes full circle to say (paraphrasing) that if most people (including the singer) were in the same position, they would have most likely acted the same way.While I don’t necessarily find that true in all cases, I could see where a 19 year old version of me would’ve gone running straight into the easiest pair of arms available (and I mean easy like – it’s easy to be in a less responsibility-laden relationship, not easy like a ho).
“I Will Follow You Into the Dark” [Death Cab for Cutie]
I recorded this song one day before I met Lisen, and I recorded it for my ex Brittany to see. I guess when you think about the fact that I was making videos for my ex up until a day before I met Lisen, it looks a little bad on my part to even join into a relationship with someone. I’ve found over time that while I don’t really consider being with Brittany again, I project a lot of our past relationship onto new girls. I want every girl I date to remind me of Brittany – because let’s face it, your first love is always your most intense love (in good and bad ways), but what the two of us had was amazingly awesome and I want every meaningless date in between her and the next love of my life to at least be as exciting as the past.
Either way, this song is the quintessential “I’ll love you forever, no matter what” song because the lyrics plainly say “If you die, I’ll be right behind you – because basically loving you is all I’m here for.” Awww.
and finally…
“Where I Stood” [Missy Higgins]
I have no idea why the hell that black spot only sticks on my face, or why I look like Grimace by the end of the clip, but you’re watching for the audio more than the video…I’m not that interesting to watch (in other words I’m no John Mayer).
And that concludes the little video update/walk down recent memory lane. There are more videos coming soon (Monday/Tuesday?) so stick around. They are always available at www.youtube.com/kaceycash and eventually the “better” ones end up here.
